Ho Ho Holy Hell

Seven hours from right now, I'll be dragging my tired self to a Christmas breakfast and 'Kris Kringle' gift exchange for my work. I wish I could sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I love my work... probably more than I ever have, but there's always the underlying politics of retail and the hidden soap opera dramatics that go on in any given consumer oriented environment, especially come the holiday season.

I would like to think I'm Jedi-like enough to observe all these goings-on without it impacting my life, but who am I kidding? Really. I have such a desire to be liked by everybody all the time, regardless of who they are or what they've done to me in the past. I'm conscious enough of this personal trait to know it's probably not a good thing, and also conscious enough that it makes me mental that I can't (don't?) do anything about it, and then when I do, I feel guilty about it all.

For example, today I got caught up it this bit of nonsense where a fancy-pants perpetual calendar watch was returned under my name in error, then resold under another employee's name only to be refunded again under my name once again. Two negatives for me, where I deserved only one, and a positive for another, who deserved nothing at all.

I was clearly in the right to bring up the fact that a mistake was made with the return-purchase-return that occurred, which I did, but all I could seem to concentrate on was the fact that I was creating a conflict over what amounted to $10 in commission. It's still bothering me now, 12 hours later. I just don't like to rock the boat.

Maybe it's because she who did the return-purchase-return has been holding some sort of mysterious grudge against me since I gained my diamontology certification (8 months earlier than she was able to). Maybe I'm even imagining all that. Perhaps it's simply that I'm assuming this person doesn't like me, and now it's manifesting into a reality....

Yes, my brain really works this way.

Then again, it could be that this person has it in for me because I make them feel threatened. Maybe they don't like me because I'm a geek. Who knows? It could be completely irrational, yet damn good, absolute reason for them to not like me in their own little mind. I'll probably never know, and certainly shouldn't care as much as I do. If I'm in the right, I shouldn't be afraid to stick up for myself.

I see it all from other perspectives like this when I'm at peace and out of the moment, like now. At 3:00 this afternoon, it was all I could do to not start smoking again. It drives me nuts that I don't have the control to have this patience and reasoning in the moment. I need to work on that. I want that ability.

It's like every once in a while, I should be asking myself, "How would Obi Wan handle this?"

Perhaps more than once in a while.

I think I need to go watch Star Wars. It's been a very, very long time....